This time, this is it.

  I feel it.

  I'm excited, ecstatic, and terrified all at once.

  But I'm sure.

  Every choice I made has led to this.  And it is adding up to be worth every single second.

  We will forever be intertwined in our past.  Without a doubt.

  But I will forge on, happy, comfortable in my skin, clear minded and light hearted.

  And you will be doomed to repeat your mistakes until the dawn of a new era, resting on a horizon of a day you might never have the good fortune of seeing with your eyes stubbornly sealed shut.

  Thus, my eternal love, concludes our tragic tale.

my mind is too busy sorting through the past to let my heart enjoy the present.
so i find myself dreaming of the future, when everything might finally fall into place...

  There's a book I meant to write.  A long time ago.  And I read my first chapter again today.

  I lack words, and inspiration, at that.

  But I need to remember, in times where I forget, that history repeats itself.  Until you decide to let it run its course and come what may.

  At the time, I had just gotten out of an abusive four-year-relationship, where I never thought I would ever find the strength to get past it.  I thought we would never speak again.  Two years later, we ran into each other and actually spent the afternoon catching up and laughing about the whole thing.  At the end of which we wished each other well, because even though we weren't meant for each other, we will always care for one another.

  The point is I never thought I'd love someone the way I had loved him.  But then, two years ago, I fell right back into step.

  So I guess I just hope that, two years from now, we can look each other in the eye, and smile a genuine heartfelt smile as we walk past each other knowing that the other is happy.

  But I doubt it.

  Part of me always believed that we would find our way back to each other one day.  Maybe not as lovers.  We were never good at it, anyway.  But at least as friends.  Where we excelled, really.

  But the other part of me knows that there really is no hope in your hollow heart.  Your conscience, the good in your soul, never glimmered in your eye when you smiled.  It was just an illusion.  It is nonexistent.  And for that, you will never let me get past you, so long as I'm not crumpled at your feet, crushed by my submission to you.

  It's scares me, really...  To think exactly how much I must have hated myself to have ever fallen in love with you.

  Always trust your gut.

  Sometimes, I feel like I'm not really living this life.  In reality, I'm caught in a moment with you, where it looks like you're holding me up but you're actually just weighing me down at the ankles.  So everything I feel in what I believe to be the present is just how I think life would be without you, as I'm sinking deeper and deeper, clinging to the hope for a better life where you're not mutilating my sense of self.

  At night, that is what I dream of.

  I wake up frightened, because I truly believe that I'm still pining after you, being kicked back and forth by you, tortured by you until my heart is torn and tattered.

  But I wake up next to him.  And his arm is draped across mine, and I feel his breath on my neck.  And if I move a bit, he wakes up for a milisecond and pulls me in more tightly.  And he's warm.

  He's real.

  He's there.

  And my heart aches.  Not because I want you back, but because I need to let you go.  I want to be able to forgive you, so that I can begin to forget you.

  But the truth is that I don't know if I ever can put you in the past.

  Because the second your presence slipped from being a dream to a nightmare, I realized that I could never forgive you for everything that you had put me through.

  Rest assured I will never forgive you for pushing me past the point of forgiveness, too.

  I feel like I can't give in this time.  As if giving in to him has asked too much of me already, and to give in to someone new...  It would just obliterate everything I've struggled so hard to build over the past year.  I feel like if I bend, even just a little, I'll break, slip up and show my hand and watch him fold, watch the curtains fall, exit stage left.  He turns my words to mush.  As though I know why I'm upset, but can't quite put my finger on it just yet.  And so I seem like the bad guy.  Who gets angry.  Who's emotional.  Who's unstable and psychotic and plain female-crazy.  Yeah..  Whatever..  The point is, I'm not comfortable with this give and give situation anymore.  I need a give-and-take this time around.  And if I can't find it from him, then I'll learn to find it from myself.  Alone.

  I'm not going to be a doormat this time around.  Not even in the least.

sometimes, you think you know someone.
but you don't.
actually, you do.
but you really wish you hadn't.
because deep down inside, you knew it would always be this way. this voice in the back of your head, whispering, faintly, your conscience scratching at the base of the door, pleading with you to come in, while you try to keep the storm at bay and you ignore the uprooted trees flying past the windows as you're dead in the middle of this raging hurricane and all you can naively think is "my, how cozy it is, inside..."

bullshit.

the sad part is, i don't even hate you.
because really, after everything you put me through, after all the time i've given you, the nights i spent crying over you, praying you'd take me back... after i'd practically sacrificed my sanity to be with you... this. is how. you repay me.

you sack of shit.

words cannot describe how disgusted i am with you. how disgusted i am with myself for ever feeling any semblance of love for you. to simply glide my fingers across the keyboard, let alone push the word passed my lips, takes an effort you are no longer worthy of.

i used to have faith in you.

now, the only thing i have faith in is that, should you ever think that you can finally make out the light at the end of the tunnel in your sad pathetic and meaningless life, it is simply that of the oncoming train on a one-way street to destruction.

the only thing i have faith in, now?

...leaving you has truly been the best decision i've ever made in my entire life.

  And if you think I'm okay...don't.

  I'm still sifting through all the shards of the broken pieces of my heart you left behind.

  You think it's so easy to be me?

  I think I did you a favour.  And it'll be years before you understand that.  It'll be years before you can finally see my face again and realize that I did this for you perhaps more than I did for myself, because it was the only way I could help you, because without me, you will finally become the person you are meant to be.

  So don't feed me bullshit about how you can show me you've changed.

  Because you haven't.

  And you never will as long as I'm around.

  I'm sorry.

  Be safe.

  ...Be happy.